Cliches are never a good idea

January 8, 2012

The last day I remember the date is January 1^st.  I have just been breathing in and out for about a week. I haven’t been sleeping very well and I’ve been thinking about what I wanted to write about next.

Clichés:

Why I often hate them.

Here are some of the worst that I have heard during my 4 years of infertility and recurrent miscarriages

“Everything happens for a reason.” ---this is the cliché that I despise more than any other. Really? Everything happens for a reason? The Atomic bomb? Cancer? The 2 month old that died from shaken baby syndrome? Rape? Murder?

So, what you are saying here is that I am supposed to go through pain. That I deserve it in some grand universal plan towards my destiny. That the universe thinks I need to learn a lesson of some sort?

This is so insensitive. I’ll use this commonly used “my mother always said…” response to respond to it.

“If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” Really. Silence is better than telling me that I am supposed to have lost 5 pregnancies because it’s my ‘fate’ or my ‘destiny.’ Bullshit.

“All good things must come to an end.”---Who thought this was a good idea to say to someone? Okay, no one has said this to me regarding my infertility, but it irritates me just as much---shouldn’t it be “All bad things will come to an end.”—Shouldn’t that be the comfort? That “It’s always darkest before the dawn.”—I digress.

Let’s get to the

“It’s always darkest before the dawn.” And “It can’t get any worse.”---I have heard these a multitude of times. And my scorned and sarcastic response has now become, “You don’t know my life. It can always get worse.” And it can, people. Things can always get worse—or better, but nonchalantly brushing off someone’s problems with “It can’t get any worse” is so demeaning and inconsiderate, you may as well just say, “I don’t really care what your problems are, just quit your whining.” At least that comes from an honest place.

Here are some others that may not necessarily be clichés, but are so overused they make me nauseated.

“You need to pray more.” ---Are you kidding me? So, bad things in my life happen because I don’t pray enough or the right way for good things to happen?

“Just stop trying and it will happen.”—Please explain how I can my deepest desire and just turn it off like a light switch. It’s like telling me to jump underwater and stop myself from wanting to breathe.  

“Why don’t you just adopt?”—This is a big one for me. It is offensive on a multitude of levels. There are lengthy and profound reasons for this, which I will not discuss here, but let me just, say this-adopting a child is not like adopting a dog or cat. It is not simple or inexpensive, emotionally or financially.

“But you already have one child, you should be happy with that.”—I love my son more than I thought I could love. And my desire for another child does not weaken or negate that statement. I am thankful that I have one child. And … I want more.

“You are so stressed out lately. It will happen when you aren’t so stressed out.”—Really, this is just stupid. So so so many people have said this to me trying to make me feel better after a miscarriage. Which is the worst time to say such a thing. What I hear is “If you weren’t stressed out, your baby would have lived.” Thanks. As if I don’t already feel broken and devastated. Don’t say this to people. Just don’t do it. Women who have been sexually assaulted get pregnant; women who live in shelters get pregnant, drug addicts, refugees, extremely unhealthy women get pregnant and carry to term. I would venture to say that these women are under much more stress than I am.

And then there is the “Secret” phenomenon. The positive thinking will draw positive things to me. The law of attraction and all that new age crap. I am so sorry that this one doesn’t really work. I want it to work. I have Secreted, Celestine Prophecy’d, Deepak Chopra audiotaped myself with the best of them, but none of my positive ever worked for me.

Shit just happens. It’s random chaos in the universe.

I do not believe in fate. I do not believe in destiny. I do not believe in everything happens for a reason. These are simple, trivial, offensive ways to try to make others feel better when they are talking to someone who is going through a difficult time-no matter what that time is. If you believe it for yourself and the events that happen in your life, I am happy for you. I am glad that this gives you comfort. Trust me when I say that I have tried to comfort myself in every way that the common man has and what I desire most of all when going through sadness is someone who will sit and listen. And from what I know from all the women that I have worked with and spoken with who have gone through similar loss,that is what they need to. Things are not simple when the world is grey. There is no silver lining when you are devastated. The world is dark and people just need a hand to hold so they know they are not alone.

Here are some things you can say to people going through loss. They are simple and take less than a second to say or write.

“I’m so sorry.”

“I’m thinking of you.”

“I’m here if you need anything.”

“I love you.”

And then don’t talk.

Listen.

Listen without rationalizing, explaining, or trying to make things better.

Don’t compare your life and your philosophy with that person’s experience.

Just be silent and present.

My friends that are the best listeners are my most valuable people in my life. They are the ones that I need and go to. And they say very little to me when I go through a miscarriage, but they are present in my life in a graceful, peaceful, loving way. They give me something to grab onto when the grief is fresh and raw and overwhelming.

You know who you are. Thank you.