January 17th, 2012
Last Thursday, I met with my fertility doc. She's a wonderful physician. She is patient and kind and makes great eye contact.
I went in with the goal of not losing it in her office. Mike went with me. We were doing okay. I knew that she was going to say I was healing well and since I had already googled my surgery, I knew I was going to be told to wait at least two months before trying to conceive to allow for swelling to go down and full healing to occur. This was fine. I am in no way remotely ready to take on the "waiting for two weeks, taking the pregnancy test, and then anticipating miscarriage" game that I have been playing on and off for four years.
I also knew that my odds of getting pregnant are now very slim-the combination of repeated miscarriage, infertility, and the loss of a fallopian tube make that pretty clear. I also knew that once you have an ectopic pregnancy, your risk of having another is higher--significantly higher. Okay-well, that doesn't apply to this case, right? Because I already lost the bum tube--that would be the one with the scar tissue or blockage that caused the ectopic. Or maybe not.
We were informed that if there was a structural abnormality in my right tube that caused the ectopic (one that would not have shown up on the HSG that I had--a procedure to determine whether or not you have blockages in your fallopian tubes or abnormalities in your uterus), that I could have an ectopic in my left tube. I was not ready for that. I needed the slim hope that my left tube was healthy and perfect and just waiting for the opportunity to drop an ovum easily.
Her professional recommendation. Wait at least two months, then if you try to conceive-we need to watch you very carefully due to the increased risk of an ectopic in the left tube.
That's when I lost it.
I just feel stuck. I don't want to give up hope for another little person. Mike and I make a good kid. We want another one. I also don't know if I want to go through the "trying to conceive" thing either. But now there is no more "whatever happens is okay" left in me. I now have this added fear factor and I don't like how that feels.
And that's where I have been emotionally since then. Just breathing in and out and trying to figure out how I want to plan for the remainder of my childbearing years. I'm a big planner--I don't really care for playing things "by ear."
Yesterday, however, I surprised myself by laughing--I had spent the day just going through the motions doing what I was supposed to do, "fake fining" it. And then, unexpectedly - laughing. And after I was finished laughing, I thought to myself, "I'm smiling for real."My fake fine turned into real fine. And it felt good.
Thank you to all of you who have stood in my darkness by my side. It is your friendship that made my laughter come.
And thanks for reading.
♥ you.
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